Festus
by IwishIwasfreakingAnnabethChase
Summary: A comedy featuring Percy and his buddies. No plot, but If you have time to burn, burn it here. Please. I'm begging you. Disclaimer: Rick's, not mine. Rated T for the internet's foul language. Because I did not write most of these. Also, like, the first chapter really sucks, but from there they get better. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**YOOOOO. So this is less of a story and more of a compilation of jokes and stuffs. I wrote the prologue like a story, but the chapter like how I found most of them online, so tell me which one you prefer. If you want to, you can imagine this being kind of like The Office or Parks and Recreation because that's how I think of it. The jokes are harder to incorporate into storylines for me, so if you've got any ideas, please tell me. Also, most of these will be pretty short because I have a life. And feel free to use the jokes in your own stories, but give credit where it's due. If you have any other questions, just ask. Jokes and ideas come from lesbianreynaara, demidorks, schist-pjo-say, that_dam_praetor, . , omg_imawitch_and_i…, and umbrellagirl13 from Instagram and Tumblr. (Not in that order.)**

 **Prologue**

 **Elle Decides to Make a Movie**

Elle boarded the boat gracefully and purposefully. As she walked, she glanced at each crewmember's face. Annabeth looked annoyed, Piper looked bored, Leo was counting with his fingers, Hazel smiled, Frank looked uncomfortable, and Jason and Percy were playing rock-paper-scissors. Elle beamed as she took her final step onto the Argo II, the rest of Camp Half-Blood cheering her on. Jason and Percy just barely seemed to register Elle was there.

"Who the fuck is that?" Elle grimaced at Percy's words.

"Language," Annabeth mumbled.

"Whom the fuck is that?"

"No," Annabeth replied. Percy just shrugged.

Elle smiled again and introduced herself. "I'm Elle, daughter of Hermes. I thought you knew this already, but I have been given permission to document your adventures for our upcoming film festival!"

 **Ch. 1**

 **Percy the Musical**

On the deck of the Argo II…

Leo: *singing* Despacito-

Percy: I don't know the words, so I say Dorito-

Leo: *Shoves Percy off the boat*

*Camera zooms in on Percy as he flails in the water*

That evening when everyone is eating dinner…

Jason: Isn't it crazy?

Percy: What?

Jason: We finish each other's-

Percy: Shaving cream!

Jason: …

Jason: The heck, dude? I've been looking for it for the past month!

*Watching Percy and Jason argue*

Piper: This is bad.

Annabeth: I know.

Nico: *Appearing out of nowhere* I wish I had popcorn.

Five minutes later…

Percy: I miss Annabeth.

Piper: …

Percy: Oh gosh, I miss her so much.

Jason: …

Percy: *sighs* I miss her so freaking much-

Nico: *Slams hand down on the table* SHE'SJUSTINTHEBATHROOMWILLYOUCALMDOWNOHMYGODS.

The next morning…

Percy: Alright, listen you little shits.

Everyone: ...

Percy: Not you, Hazel. You're an angel and we're thrilled your here.

Later that day in a battle…

*Something blows up*

Nico: PERCY WHAT DID YOU DO?

Percy: My best.

Percy: *Looks Nico in the eyes* If I was trapped in a room filled with explosives and the only way out was to eat a whole tomato, I would die.

Nico: How the Hades would you even get in that situation?

 **THE END. Tell me what you think in the reviews!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Credit goes to demidorks, isaksredscarf, .demigod, rachel-elizabeth-truth, percabethisotp, notcorrectpjoquotes, and dademigods. Thanks for the follows and comments/ideas! Love y'all! Please R &R!**

 **Ch. 2**

 **The Doooooods**

A guys night out…

Jason: *holds door open for Percy* After you.

Percy: No, after you.

Jason: I insist, after you.

Nico: *pushes past both of them* After me.

Later...

Jason: What's the first thing you think when you see me?

Percy: Sunshine.

Frank: Perseverance and capability.

Leo: My wonderful best friend who I would kill for.

Nico: A happy walrus.

Everyone: …

Nico: Walruses are amazing and I respect them highly.

Later…

Leo: Y'all'd've-

Jason: *crying* I have no idea what you're saying…

Later…

Percy: My leg fell asleep, I can't feel it.

Nico: *kicks Percy hard in the leg*

Percy: *screaming in pain* WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

Nico: You're a liar!

Later…

Jason: My mind says college, *camera zooms in on Jason's face* but my heart says isolated sheep herder in Iceland.

Later...

Leo: Hey. Hey. Hey, Frank.

Frank: Yes, Leo?

Leo: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Frank: *rolls eyes* I don't know Leo. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Leo: To get to the idiot's house.

Leo: Hey. Hey. Hey, Frank.

Frank: What, Leo?

Leo: Knock, knock.

Frank: *sighs* Who's there?

Leo: The chicken.

Frank: NOW LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE-

Later…

Jason: What do you call a sphere full of idiots?

Nico: Earth.

Later...

Percy: I love how these 'vegans' still drink water… Like, that's a fish's house, you b*tch. **(No offense to Vegans.)**

Leo: 'Vitamin C' is Spanish for 'Vitamin Yes'.

Nico: *points to the door* Out.

Later...

Nico: What? Are you 12?

Leo: On a scale of 1-10, yeah.

Later…

Jason: Oh, complain, complain! You know, when life gives you lemons-

Nico: I COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LEMONS!

Later...

Percy: Bro, look at this art.

Jason: 'Kay, lemme see it, bro.

Percy: *Shows phone*

Jason: Bro, that's the camera on selfie mode.

Percy: That's 'cause you're art, bro.

Jason: B r o

Later...

Percy: *whines* I'm not needy!

Jason: Percy, you're the definition of needy.

Jason: Remember that one time you called me at three in the morning to make sure we were still friends?

Later...

Jason, about Nico: So he told me, "How f*cking dare you? You're such an evil b*tch. How spiteful and jealous are you? How f*cking dare you, Jason. You crossed a major line with me. That shit is not okay. You dumb, evil, little f*cking troll. You have no idea how much I hate you. You're disgusting."

Jason: All I did was wake him up.

Later…

Percy: *giggling* So Wendy's and Burger King are having sex, and Burger King says, "You like this?" and Wendy says, "I'm lovin' it!" and then Burger King stops and asks, "What did you just say?"

Frank: What did I just hear?

Heading back to the Argo II…

Jason: Wow. That bird is so majestic… It's beautiful. I can't believe I get to witness this.

Leo: That's a Pepsi can.

 **THE END. HOPE YOU LIKED IT.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for all the support guys! I really appreciate it! Also, I watched the "Who's on First" sketch, and it is really funny! If I can figure out a way to simplify it for my story, I will include it, but with school starting again this week, I'm going to be pretty busy.**

 **Credit goes to 3rdgymbros, rachel-elizabeth-truth, _percy_jakson, _ogygia_calypso_, .hades, percyscookie, demidorks, multitoothless, damdemigodposts, and notcorrectpjoquotes.**

 **Happy New Year!**

 **Ch. 3**

 **Solangelo**

Before Solangelo…

Nico: *internally* Wait, is he into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if he laughs.

Nico: Did you hear about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.

Will: *laughing* That's really funny!

Nico: *internally* Well, that's not a fair test- that joke's hilarious.

Later…

Nico: I only work in black.

Nico: And sometimes very dark gay-

Nico: I mean GREY.

Will picking Nico up for a date…

Reyna: Bring him back safe.

Jason: Don't stay up too late.

Nico: Shut up, you're not my parents.

Will: You can count on me!

NIco: DON'T ANSWER THEM.

On the date…

Will: Something brought you to me, Nico. Fate. Destiny.

NIco: It was Percy and Jason. They pushed me into the infirmary.

A few seconds later…

Will: You know what's beautiful? Say the first word again.

Nico: The first word again.

Will: Yeah, say it.

Nico: It.

Will: OH, COME ON. I'M JUST TRYNA BE CUTE.

A few more seconds later…

Will: Nico, did you know that words ending in -ie are so sweet, like cookie and cutie?

Nico: And die.

Will: …

Will: No.

Later…

Will: You need a hobby.

Nico: I have a hobby.

Will: Being sad isn't a hobby.

The next day…

Percy: Will! Nico disappeared again, do you know where he is?

Will: Do you think I have him microchipped or something?

Percy: …

Percy: Well, do you?

Will: …

Will: Yeah, hold on.

Jason introducing a new camper to the Camp Half Blood gang…

Jason: ...And that's Nico and Will. *points at Solangelo*

Camper: Do they hate each other?

Jason: What? No, they're dating. They're literally my OTP.

Solangelo: *bickering in the distance*

Jason: They're always like that.

Jason: I swear they love each other.

Camper: One just called the other f*ckface-

Jason: HE SAID IT WITH LOVE, OKAY?

Later…

Jason: Everybody's got a gay cousin.

Nico: B*tch, I don't have a gay cousin… Wait, shit, I am the gay cousin. Oh my gods.

Later...

Person: You're going straight to hell!

Nico: I don't know about the straight part.

Later…

Piper: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3 a.m. to look at the stars!

Nico: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3 a.m. to look at the damn sky, they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

That night...

Nico: I've got a date with Will. How do I look?

Percy: With your eyes, Nico.

Nico: This is not the time for your bullshit.

Later…

Nico: This date is boring.

Will: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store.

Nico: Then why did you invite me?

Will: I specifically said, "Don't come with me." And you said, "f*ck you, Will, I do whatever I want" and followed me here.

Meeting Carter…

Nico: So, that's your wand?

Carter: Yep, always keep it handy!

Will: Nice.

Nico: Mind if I see that?

*Nico takes the wand and suddenly points it at them*

Nico: AVADA KEDAVRA ! ! !

*nothing happens as Nico stands there awkwardly*

Carter: I don't know what's worse. You thought that would work or you thought that would work AND kill us.

Will: Welcome to my world.

 **THE END. Goodness, the gay jokes are real here.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Because I'm a lazy butt, I'm not gonna list out who came up with all the jokes, so you can just assume most of them aren't mine. Anyways, thanks for reading and please review!**

 **Ch. 4**

 **Why Percy is a Blessing**

Before Luke died…

Luke: I could kill you if I wanted to.

Percy: Yeah? So could a demon.

Percy: So could a dog.

Percy: So could a dedicated duck.

Percy: You aren't special.

At a battlefield...

Hazel: Is anyone else scared?  
Percy: Not really. I've already lived longer than I expected.

Regular day at camp...

Nico: Don't talk down to me!

Percy: Well, I could hardly talk up to you. You're too short.

Nico: SAY THAT TO MY FACE.

Percy: Okay, just give me a second to get on my knees-

Nico: Finish that sentence, and I will punch you in the face.

Percy: Can you even reach that high?

Later...

Annabeth: Percy, don't say a word.

Percy: Fergalicious.

Annabeth: I said no words.

Percy: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago while we were playing scrabble, it's not a word, and now suddenly it is a word because it's convenient for you.

Later...

Annabeth: Percy, did you eat all the donuts?

Percy: No.

Annabeth: Why are you lying to me? I can see the powder all over your pants.

Percy, panicking: That's cocaine.

Later...

Percy: Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.

Later...

Annabeth: Are you posing right now? There's no cameras.

Percy: The gods are always watching, Annabeth. I want to show them I can be dramatic and pointless too.

Later...

Percy: I have a joke for you.

Annabeth: Okay.

Percy: *giggling* The gods have the people's best interests at heart.

When Percy gets arrested...

Police: Where do you live?

Percy: With my mom.

Police: Where does your mom live?

Percy: With me.

Police: Where do you both live?

Percy: Together.

Police: Where is your house.

Percy: Next to my neighbor's house.

Police: Where is your neighbor's house?

Percy: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

Police: Tell me.

Percy: Next to my house.

The next day...

Percy: I'm quick at math.

Annabeth: Oh, really? What's 67 times 83?

Percy: 43.

Annabeth: Not even remotely close.

Percy: But I was quick.

Later...

Paul: Sally, you cooked?

Percy: How do you know it wasn't me?

Paul: There's only three people in this house, and you'd still be my fifth guess.

Later...

Reyna: Can the sarcasm.

Percy: Please. I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

Hanging out with Carter...

Carter: *sneezes*

Percy: *hands Carter a picture of himself*

Carter: What's this?

Percy: I'm blessing you.

At the beach...

Percy: *searching the beach with the crew* Sorry, guys. Looks like there's no sand dollars left.

Leo: Can't the ocean just make more of them?

Percy: And cause inflation? Destroy the sand economy? Gods, Leo, use your head.

After school...

Percy: Hey Mom, I've got good news!

Sally: You got 100% on your math test?

Percy: I said good news, not a miracle.

Before a battle...

Piper: Alright, let's cover the plan one more time. If one of us dies, what will the other one do?

Percy: Locate the corpse and move the body so it looks like they're dabbing.

Piper: Exactly.

While Annabeth is going grocery shopping...

Annabeth: *on the phone with Percy* What are you doing?

Percy: *playing video games* The dishes.

Annabeth: Did I just hear a laser gun?

Percy: We live in a bad neighborhood, Annabeth.

Percy, proving he could be an Apollo kid...

Percy: I'm gonna play a song for you right now.

Percy: It's called 'My Life So Far'.

Percy: *takes a deep breath, plays a chord*

Percy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Later, when his dad is telling him he's really not an Apollo kid...

Poseidon: You are very mature for your age, son.

Percy: Thanks, it's the trauma.

When Percy goes to school…

Percy, to a mortal: Oh my gods.

Mortal: *gives weird look to Percy*

Percy: DON'T JUDGE MY RELIGION. *runs away*

At camp...

Percy: I put the sexy into dyslexia.

After Percy has done something amazing…

Zeus: You have three wishes, Perseus Jackson.

Percy: I wish for more wishes.

Zeus: No, you can't wish like that.

Percy: I wish I could wish like that.

Zeus: That's not how it works.

Percy: I wish that's how it works.

Zeus: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR SON, POSEIDON?

Poseidon: *wearing sunglasses* Deal with it.

 **THE END. There are literally so many Percy jokes. And I love every single one.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for all the support guys! You have no idea how much your comments mean to me! I hope you like this chapter.**

 **Ch. 5**

 **Some Leo for Y'all**

Regular day at camp…

Leo: Why aren't there adult sized playgrounds? Like everything's the same as a kid's playground, but bigger. Why do we not have those?

Piper: Theme parks.

Leo: But you have to pay for those.

Piper: That's the adult part.

Leo: Son of a b*tch.

While eating watermelon…

Leo: Guys, if there's a watermelon, Percy should be one, I'll be the firemelon, Jason can be the airmelon, and Hazel can be the earthmelon.

Everyone: …

Leo: THE ELEMELONS.

Later...

Leo: Annabeth is an oven.

Piper: Explain.

Leo: Roasts me.

Later...

Piper: Do you love me?

Jason: Of course, Pipes. I always will.

Piper: More than Leo?

Jason: Uh-

Leo: *suddenly appears* WE'RE SOULMATES, PIPER. STOP TRYING TO TEAR US APART.

After Leo does something wonderful...

Nico: What? Are you 12?

Leo: On a scale from 1-10, yeah.

Later...

Percy: Scary how fast someone can mean so much to you.

Nico: Scary how fast you mean something to someone.

Leo: *looks directly at camera* Scary how fast I changed my car insurance to Geico.

Later...

Leo: I know I'm always dragging you into dangerous situations, but think about all the stories you'll get to tell one day.

Frank: *looks at camera* To the police.

While eating dinner...

Leo: Piper freaked out 'cause I told her I never drink water, so now she's making me drink eight glasses a day. It's like, there's water in soda, there's water in coffee, there's little pools of water on pizza-

Jason: That's grease, Leo.

Leo: Well it's wet, isn't it?

When Nico asks Frank to grab a Sunny D from the fridge for him...

Leo: Okay, but do you see how perfect this is? Why does Nico want the Sunny D?

Jason: ...

Piper: ...

Percy: ...

Annabeth: ...

Frank: ...

Hazel: ...

Leo: 'Cause Ocean Spray isn't his type!

Percy: ...

Percy: ...

Percy: ...

Percy: ...

Percy: I'm drowning you.

After Jason and Piper have their first baby...

Baby: L-l-l

Piper: Yes honey, come on and say it.

Baby: M-m-m

Jason: Come on, Sweetie.

Baby: Ba-ba

Both: You can do it, darling.

Baby: Leo-McShizzle-Man-Bad-Boy-Supreme.

Jason: ...

Piper: …

Both: LEOOOOOOOOOO!

When Piper walks into the kitchen...

Piper: Why can't you be normal?

Leo: *wearing a butterfly costume and sipping orange juice* I am normal.

Later...

Leo: Hey Nico, do you want to hear a joke about ghosts?

Nico: No.

Leo: That's the spirit!

Nico: *slaps Leo*

Later…

Piper: You're literally listening to turkey calls.

Leo: Is this not rap?

The next day...

Leo: You know what I've always wondered? How do tall people, like you, actually sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you from your shoulders to your toes?

Percy: Dude.

Percy: It's

Percy: FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!

Leo: So… You can't sleep, huh?

Leo: Is it because of the blanket?

While eating breakfast…

Nico: I'm going to raise my children where I spent my childhood.

Leo: In the closet?

Nico: … I swear to Hades-

Percy: *high fives Leo*

In a group chat…

Leo: Ok ok SO…

Leo: A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer…

Leo: The bartender says 'Sorry we don't serve food here'

*Leo has been removed from the group chat*

While waiting for everyone else...

Jason: So what time does the judgemental express arrive?

Leo: Annabeth gets here at noon.

Later...

Leo: Hey Piper, give me your hair dryer.

Piper: What are you talking about?

Leo: Don't you carry a hairdryer in your purse?

Piper: Have you ever met an actual woman?

Leo: *sees Drew walking by* Hey Drew, do you carry a hairdryer in your purse?

Drew: Of course, I'm not a savage.

Later...

Leo: *touches Nico and accidentally burns him*

Nico: Ow! Why are you so hot?

Leo: Thanks, boy.

Nico: What?

Leo: What?

Later...

Leo: If I were a millionaire, I'd buy millions of melons, so I'd become a melonaire.

Annabeth: How do you have friends?

Leo: Because I'm a melonaire.

When Frank walks into the kitchen...

Frank: Ah, Nico did the dishes.

Leo: How do you know it wasn't me?

Frank: Because once when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.

When Hazel sees something cool...

Hazel: Oh my gosh darn diddly golly shucks potato paste-

Percy: Who let Hazel near Leo again?

 **THE END. Oh gosh darn diddly golly shucks potato paste, Leo is probably my favorite character out of all the seven. Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Ahhhhh, oh my gosh, I love y'all. Thanks for reading my crap instead of somebody else's. Oh, and I changed my username, so yay.**

 **Ch. 6**

 **The Trials of Percabeth**

Driving in a car…

Percy: Where do you want to eat?

Annabeth: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator, or Morgan Freeman: Wherever he picked was not fine.

While playing scrabble the wrong way…

Percy: I will put down my A to make 'A'.

Jason: I will add to your 'A' to make 'AT'

Leo: I will add on to your 'AT' to make 'RAT'

Annabeth: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATIGRAPHIC'.

Percy: *flips the board*

In Walmart...

Annabeth: Excuse me, sir. I've lost someone.

Employee: How old is your child, ma'am?

Annabeth: He's 22.

Employee: Oh, well, I'm sure he can manage hims-

Annabeth: No, you don't know him like I do. He's not capable of something like that.

While Percy frolics over to Annabeth at camp...

Percy: So… how's the prettiest girl in Camp Half-Blood doing?

Annabeth: I don't know, Percy. How are you?

Percy: *voice cracking* I'm the prettiest girl in Camp Half-Blood?

Later...

Chiron: Annabeth, can you please pick up the trash around the sword area?

Chiron: …

Chiron: ANNABETH, PUT PERCY DOWN.

During an interview...

Percy: Annabeth is a princess. So sweet and smart. My girl. I love her.

Everyone else: She's deadly. She'll kill me in my sleep.

Later...

Piper: Annabeth says she is having a breakdown.

Percy: Do you mean an emotional breakdown, or is she actually breaking someone down?

Piper: The second one.

Percy: Figured.

In Olympus...

Hera: You've challenged me to fight six times since we've started talking.

Annabeth: MAKE IT SEVEN!

After Percy and Annabeth have moved in together...

Rachel, on the phone with Annabeth: So how does it feel being with the hottest Chosen One?

Annabeth: *glances over at Percy*

Percy: *tries to drink milk while laying down on the couch*

Percy: *accidentally waterboards himself with the milk and coughs for 10 seconds before trying again*

Annabeth: It's alright, I guess.

That night...

Percy: Do cyclops wink or blink?

Annabeth: Percy, it's 3 a.m. Now is not the time for this.

Percy: But-

Annabeth: Why don't you just ask Tyson?

Annabeth: Wait-

Annabeth: Percy!

Percy: *running out of the house* I've got to know, Annabeth!

The next morning...

Grover: Where's Percy?

Annabeth: Somewhere disappointing the gods.

Later…

Nico: Nobody likes me. I'm scary.

Will: Just 'cause you're scary doesn't mean people can't like you. Look at Annabeth.

While doing something important...

Annabeth: I trust Percy.

Piper: You think he knows what he's doing?

Annabeth: I wouldn't go that far.

While Percy and Jason are having a heart-to-heart...

Jason: Just how dumb do they think we are?

Percy: Sometimes Annabeth leaves me pictures of food instead of a grocery list.

Later...

Percy: I have an idea-

Annabeth: If it involves you, Nico, Jason, Leo and the Avatar theme song, then no.

Percy: Well, never mind then.

Later...

Chiron: Annabeth's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.

Percy: Boys?

Annabeth: Homicide.

Later...

Camper: So which of you is older?

Percy: We were born the same year, so it doesn't really matter-

Annabeth: Me.

The next day...

Annabeth: Percy. Do not, under any circumstances, do the thing.

Percy: *out of sight, currently in the process of doing the thing* Annabeth, please. I would never.

After Annabeth goes through her stuff...

Annabeth: I currently have seven empty notebooks and no clue with what to put in them. Any suggestions?

Percy: Put spaghetti in it.

Annabeth: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for you.

Leo: Put spaghetti in it.

Annabeth: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone except for the two of you.

Jason: Put spaghetti in it.

Annabeth: I am no longer taking any suggestions.

At a dinner party...

Annabeth: You and toilets have something in common.

Percy: What, water?

Annabeth: Nah, you're both full of shit.

Percy: ...

Leo: ...

Calypso: ...

Jason: ...

Frank: ...

Hazel: ...

Piper: ...

Will: ...

Nico: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, TRUE.

When Percy comes home...

Percy: Hey, I'm home from the store… Again?

Annabeth: *stuck on top of the fridge with a pot on her head and a nerf gun in her hand* I saw another spider. Nowhere is safe. We'll rendezvous in Nova Scotia. I'm burning the house down.

 **THE END. Well, that was fun. I'll see you guys in Nova Scotia.**


	7. Chapter 7

**I realized that I accidentally repeated one of the jokes, and I'm sorry, but it's a pretty good joke. AND I'M SO SORRY ABOUT HOW LATE THIS IS. I've been having a crap ton of homework every day, exams, and crazy life things. It's been super busy and stressful, so I never got around to writing. Here it is though. Finally. Thanks for all the support and reviews guys! I love hearing which ones are your favorite and how this was the most useless and weird thing you've ever read. And please check out my new story Hurricane!**

 **Ch. 7**

 **Life is Pretty Much the Worst and Best Party of Your Life**

Two bros chilling in a hot tub five feet apart because they're not gay…

Jason: I'm too tough to cry.

Percy: Just this morning you were crying about snakes.

Jason: *crying* THEY DON'T HAVE ANY ARMS.

When Leo goes missing…

Piper: BADA BING.

Leo: *yelling from Ogygia* BADA BOOM.

When Jason has to choose between shooting Percy or Percy's clone…

Percy's evil clone: *pointing at real Percy* Shoot him, he's the clone.

Jason: *aims at the clone* The REAL Percy would never pass up on an opportunity to die.

When Leo returns one of Annabeth's science books…

Leo: I learned about atoms.

Annabeth: Oh yeah? What are the different parts of an atom?

Leo: Proton, neutron, electron, and crouton.

While hanging out with Reyna…

Reyna: How much do boyfriends or girlfriends cost?

Leo: At least three potato.

Percy: Didn't it used to be two potato?

Piper: The recession hit us hard.

When all the guys are drunk except Frank...

*all yell "hey girl" at a passing woman*

Frank: No, Nico, you're gay.

When Percy has nothing better to do…

Percy: Mom, we're out of eggs again!

Sally: It's ok, there's cereal.

Percy: *throwing Cheerios at the Empire State Building* This sucks.

Later…

Leo: I'm just trying to be myself.

Nico: Why the f*ck would you want to do that?

Doing a gender reveal party for Annabeth and Percy's baby…

*Annabeth cuts the cake and the inside is black*

Piper: IT'S A GOTH.

Grover: IT'S A THALIA.

Percy: IT'S A NICO.

When they're supposed to be doing something important…

Percy: Reyna, the floor is lava!

Reyna: *rolls eyes*

Percy: Reyna, the floor is Leo trying to kiss you!

Reyna: *jumps on Nico's back*

Leo: EXCUSE ME.

A clip from the adventures of Magnus and those people…

Magnus: It's illegal to be better looking than me.

Alex: Well shit guys, looks like we're all going to jail.

When Percy walks in his house…

Mrs. O'Leary: WOOF!

Percy: *tearing up* You're so beautiful and so f*cking loud.

After Percy has died…

Percy: So every time I asked you about being on our side, and all that, it was a lie?

Luke: Technically, I never lied. You asked me questions, and I responded with made-up words.

*Percy has a flashback*

Percy: So these shoes aren't evil, right?

Luke: Affirmatootley.

Percy: And you're not evil or anything?

Luke: Yepskerdoodles.

Percy: Hey, does my new camp shirt look good on me?

Luke: Posititochetochmechochamocha.

While having a party…

Leo: Why do you wear makeup?

Calypso: To look pretty, why else?

Leo: But you're already pretty.

Calypso: Aww…

Piper: *from across the room* HEY LEO, YOU SHOULD WEAR MAKEUP.

Nico, sitting in the corner…

Nico: Okay Google, how do I get revenge on those who have forsaken me?

Google: The best revenge is letting go and living well.

Nico: Hey Siri, how do I get-

When the camps fought Gaea…

Romans: Fifth and fourth cohorts attack! Second, third, and fourth defend! We'll defeat Gaea!

Greeks: I don't know, man. Just swish your sword, I guess.

Before Beckendorf died…

Beckendorf: I already said no, Percy, get off my back.

Percy: Please, it's essential for fighting monsters!  
Beckendorf: Making Riptide have the lightsaber sound when you uncap it is NOT essential.

Hazel, asking an innocent question…

Hazel: Leo, what are condoms?

Leo: Uhh… It's short for condiments.

Hazel: Oh, okay.

*later at a restaurant*

Hazel: Can I please have condoms?

Nico: *spits out water*

Later…

Will: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

Nico: Do you mean literally or figuratively?

Will: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify-

Will and Nico on a movie date…

*Both reach for the popcorn and their fingers touch*

Nico: *slowly turns to Will* Get the f*ck off my popcorn.

Leo being Leo…

Leo: And now for a gay update with Will.

Will: *looking at Nico* Getting gayer.

Leo: Thank you, Will.

Later…

Nico: Well, for one thing, you and Jason would be perfect for each other.

Percy: … Feel like there's gonna be more.

Nico: Because you're both losers.

Percy: There it is.

 **THE END. I came up with a few of these. Feeling pretty proud.**


	8. Chapter 8

**So I'm going to respond to some reviews. Hopefully I typed your username right. AND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS, SKIP TO WHERE THE BOLD ENDS.**

 **thesweetscentofbooks- No, and the ones I do write are almost always inspired by memes or tv shows. I'm not that creative.**

 **I love this- I agree. I actually considered naming it something with Persassy or my favorite, Leo Valdiva.**

 **Demigod-Wizard-Gatekeeper- I really appreciate all your reviews! And I would also love to do more with the characters of the other books, but I don't know those characters as well, and there are less things about them on the internet. When I do find them or think of them, I'll be sure to include them for you though.**

 **a-halfblood-with-attitude- Thanks for all the comments! I especially like the one where you talked about how people were groaning all around the world.**

 **MountKeyeswithWings- Haha, sorry it didn't work out like it did with Nico. I'll be sure to continue!**

 **IcyFox17- Aww, thanks for the support!**

 **Okay, so I only responded to some of the reviews, but if you really want me to say something specifically to you, just tell me! Thanks for all your support guys! Love y'all! Your reviews are the only reason I keep doing this.**

 **Ch. 8**

 **The Gods are Crashing this Party**

During the gods' talk show…

*everyone is fighting except for Hades and Hestia*

Hades: *sips tea* So what did you think about _The Old Man and the Sea?_

Hestia: I thought it was lovely! Oh, and Ares that was a wonderful punch! I really liked the symbolism.

At camp…

Chiron: Did you hear that? It sounded like… despair.

Dionysus: It's probably me.

Chiron: No, no, not bitterness. Despair.

While having a heart-to-heart…

Hephaestus: If you love this woman, go get her. What are you waiting for?

Ares: For you to leave your house.

Hephaestus: What?

Ares: Nothing.

Hermes delivering the mail to Apollo's house when he come out in a gold suit…

Hermes: Why are you dressed up so fancy?

Apollo: I'm going on a date. I have to _b-sharp._ *finger guns*

Hermes: Die.

Before the Heroes of Olympus…

Annabeth: I wonder who the seven demigods of the prophecy are…

Percy: I don't know. The prophecy could happen years from now. It might not even be in our lifetime. We might not even meet those demigods.

The Fates: LMAO, who's gonna tell him.

While having a meeting…

Zeus: Son-

Hephaestus: I'm not your son.

Zeus: …

Hephaestus: That's the first time someone's told you that?

Zeus: Yeah, and it feels weird.

Nico and Hazel watching _How to Train Your Dragon_ while having a tea party…

Nico: *on the phone* It's ringing!

Hazel: *fanning herself* Do the _thing._

Hades: *answers Underworld phone* What?

Nico: Is your… refrigerator running?

Hades: Nico, I swear to-

Nico: *hangs up* HE'S ONTO US.

When everyone's at McDonald's…

Ares: My head hurts.

Athena: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Aphrodite making a documentary when Hermes notices while walking in the background…

Aphrodite: There isn't a sexier language than Spanish.

Hermes: Buenas tardes. Te ves muy encantador hoy.

Aphrodite: *sweating* I meant French.

Hermes: Cherie-

Aphrodite: *internally* F*CK.

Annabeth and Percy going to the beach for a date…

Percy: *writes 'I love you' in the sand*

*a tidal wave hits the beach and when the water recedes it says 'I love you too, Son.'*

Percy: Dad! You're embarrassing me!

Hades making a documentary…

Hades: Before I do anything, I ask myself, 'Would Zeus do that thing?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.

Going to McDonald's for family fun time…

Nico: Dad, I'm gay.

Hades:

Persephone:

Demeter:

Hazel:

Will:

Bianca's ghost:

Fandom:

Earth:

Universe:

Hades: Hi Gay, I'm Hades.

Nico: Gods dammit, dad.

While walking into a building…

Persephone: You're smiling, did something good happen?

Hades: Can't I smile just because I feel like it?

Poseidon: Zeus tripped and fell in the parking lot.

At camp…

Chiron: Why are you like this?

Dionysus: I used too much No More Tears shampoo in the '70s, and haven't felt a thing since.

While Artemis is holding a memorial service…

Artemis: This year, I lost my twin brother Apollo.

Apollo/Lester: *in the distance* Quit telling everyone I'm dead!

Artemis: Sometimes, I can still hear his voice.

 **THE END. Sorry this one was a little shorter than what I've been doing recently, and be sure to check out my other story!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hellooooo. It's been like almost 6 months since I updated. If you care, I was really busy and I got a puppy and then my family moved, and everything has just been really hectic, so sorry guys. And also it's Percy and Leo because I felt like it.**

 **Ch. 9**

 **Da Bois**

At camp…

Annabeth: My half-brother is 6 feet tall.

Percy: Imagine if he was your full brother… How tall would he be? Like 11 feet?

Annabeth: What-

Percy: *counting* Oops, he'd be 13 feet. Dam.

To the camera…

Leo: Jason Grace has 51 distinct hugs and I've taken the time to understand the subtle meaning and usage of each one.

Jason, in the distance: Great job, Nico!

Leo: Number 23, the quick congratulatory hug. A true classic.

In the summer…

Percy: I really need to take some time off from swimming.

*2 days pass*

Percy: I honestly have forgotten how to swim.

At a party after Annabeth and Percy are married...

Percy: 10 years ago today, I married my best friend.

Percy: My wife's still mad about it, but me and Jason were really drunk.

To the camera...

Percy: There's one part of me that's like, "You should do your work, and then you wouldn't be so stressed, and have a sense of accomplishment, and you'd have free time when you're finished" and then there's the other side that's just like, "No."

Percy: They both make such good arguments.

At camp…

Piper: How do ugly men get such fine girlfriends?

Leo: The more she laughs, the more time she spends with her eyes closed. It's science.

At dinner...

Percy: Rules are made to be broken.

Annabeth: No, rules are made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Leo: Uh, piñatas.

Percy: Karate boards.

Leo: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Percy: Rules.

To the camera...

Leo: My name is Leo with a B, and I've been scared of insects all my life.

*zooms out to show Annabeth*

Annabeth: Stop, stop, stop… Where's the B?

Leo: There's a beEEEeeeeEe?

During an argument…

Annabeth: You wasted our entire life savings on dogs.

Percy: They're golden retrievers, Annabeth. They retrieve gold. I did it for us.

When Leo's alone…

Leo: Sometimes I talk to myself.

Leo: Yeah, same.

While going on a walk…

Percy: I'm thinking a spring wedding, or maybe fall. I don't want it to be too cold though…

Annabeth: Seaweed Brain, what are you talking about? We're not even engaged.

Percy: So tHAT'S WHAT I FORGOT TO DO LAST NIGHT.

In New Rome…

Reyna: In your opinion, what's the height of stupidity?

Percy: Hey, Octavian, how tall are you?

5 minutes later...

Octavian: I feel like slapping the biggest idiot in here.

Percy: Octavian, self-abuse is noT FUNNY.

While being chased by a serial killer…

Leo: *phone rings* Yo.

Killer, whispering: I can see you.

Leo: …

Killer: …

Leo: Am I hot?

After it snows without Percy realizing..

Percy: *steps outside with no shoes to throw away trash* WHAT THE F*CK.

Neighbor: Oh my gosh, he's outside.

After Leo mistakes a person for a cat...

Leo: Turns out the cream I've been putting in my coffee each morning that I bought from Africa has an alcohol content of 17%... No wonder I've been having such good days lately.

At the grocery store...

Percy: *card declined for one bag of ramen noodles*

Cashier: Man, just take it.

While Jason is showering…

Leo: *pulls back curtain* Are we- stop screaming, it's just me. Are we out of chili?

While arguing about who's better in AP Chemistry…

Annoying kid: At least I have a girlfriend!

Annabeth: Whatever. Your girlfriend has 67 protons.

Everyone: *looks at periodic table on wall*

Holmium: *the element with 67 protons and has the chemical symbol HO*

Teacher: *snorts*

At Annabeth's birthday party…

Percy: Do you like your gift?

Annabeth: This is a picture of you dabbing.

Percy: My most prized possession, you're welcome.

When Leo gets in a car accident...

Reporter: Tell us what happened.

Leo: Some BEEPing motherBEEPer crashed into my car.

Reporter: You don't have to say beep. We put them in after.

At Percy's house...

Percy: I'm going out for a bit.

Sally: Ok, just make sure you're home before dinner.

Percy: Ok. *turns to food* When are you getting home?

First day on the job as a drug dealer…

Leo: *giggles* We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?

Leo: *gets stabbed*

At the stables…

Percy: Watch me whip…

Blackjack: Watch me neigh, neigh.

During breakfast...

Percy: I just realized we don't even know what dinosaurs sound like! They could've been speaking German for all we know!

Piper: It's too early for this shit.

Percy: GUTEN MORGEN HERR PTERODACTYL.

Leo: WIE GEHTS FRAU MASTODON.

Annabeth: Oh my gods, neither of those are dinosaurs and there's 145 million years separating them both. This conversation is a paleontological disaster.

 **THE END. I'll update when we get to 20 followers and 15 favorites. I didn't want to be that person, but here we are. And maybe 35 reviews? I don't know if that's pushing it, but whatever.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Well here it is fellas. And I think I'm only gonna do one or two more because I'm too lazy to get more jokes after I run out. And thanks to you guys who reviewed the last chapter. I really love hearing your thoughts on my ability to collect these. I also realize I didnt really gain any more follows and stuff, but I felt bad for giving the incentive so...**

 **Ch. 10**

 **Some Stuff**

Frank: *in crowd and can't find Leo*

Frank: Good.

When Annabeth is moving out...

Piper: This is your last box of clothes. I'm just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?"

Annabeth: Funny, I was gonna walk across camp and write that on Jason.

At their new house…

Percy: Man, it's so great to hang out with you again. I forgot how cool you are.

Annabeth: Aw, Percy, I love hanging out with you too.

Percy: Shhh, I'm on video chat with Jason.

To the camera…

Piper: Be careful when you start saying things ironically because suddenly you can't stop. Like I've been saying "yeet" for days. Yeet yeet yeet, constantly. My family is devastated. "You're breaking our hearts", they say. "Yeet", I say.

On guys night out part two…

Percy: Annabeth judo flipped me once.

Carter: Well, Zia once tried to set me on fire.

Magnus: Alex cut off my head once.

*stunned silence*

Magnus: I win, b*tches.

When Leo's alone talking to himself…

Leo: Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Tonight. Imma fight. Till we see the sunlight. Tik tok. On the clock. But the party don't stop.

While Nico and Will are on a picnic date…

*Can You Feel the Love Tonight playing in background*

Will: Nico, it's so sweet how you have the background music.

Nico: I didn't do that. I thought it was you.

Will:

Nico:

Will:

Nico: JASON F*CKING GRACE, GET OUT OF THOSE BUSHES RIGHT NOW.

Showing off his new invention…

Leo: I made this robot to scream for me when I'm upset.

Piper: It's been screaming all day. Is it broken?

Leo: Nope.

While doing an interview…

Percy: There's nothing better than Frank.

Hazel: Two Franks.

Percy: You're right. I've been a fool.

While at a fancy party many years later...

Frank: Everyone, I have an announcement to make.

Frank: Hazel and I are engaged.

Percy: MY SMOL CHILDREN ARE GROWING UP SO FAST. I'M AN EMOTIONAL DAD HERE, CAN SOMEONE GET ME SOME TISSUE.

Hazel: You're not my dad-

Percy: eMOTionAL DAd HeRE.

When Annabeth comes home to her new house...

Annabeth: Hello, people who do not live here.

Piper: Hi.

Jason: Hello.

Leo: Hey.

Annabeth: I gave you that key for emergencies.

Piper: We were out of Doritos.

During their wedding…

Magnus: I'll be your falafelly wedded husband.

Alex: I want a divorce.

After quite a scandal…

Leo: Oh, I see how it is. Rihanna can wear a shiny, completely transparent dress in public and everyone loves it, but when I do I'm "wasting Saran Wrap" and "ruining the holidays, Leo".

While outside...

Percy: *unbuttoning shirt* Gods, it's so hot out here.

Jason: Yeah, I get that, but why are you unbuttoning my shirt?

To the camera…

Nico: I'd really like to be taken out. In a date way, or sniper way. I have no preference.

When Jason has a panic attack...

Percy: Visualize the ocean.

Jason: *horrified screeching*

Percy: A calm ocean.

Jason: Oh.

At camp...

Leo, to Nico: We created a religion. Wanna join?

Piper: Leo's the high priestess, I'm the monarch, and Jason is the advisor.

Jason: We worship our lord and savior Dora the Explorer!

Piper and Leo: DORA THE EXPLORER!

Nico: Guys, what the f*ck?

On Percy's birthday…

Annabeth: *gives him a dictionary*

Percy: Wow, I don't know what to say.

Annabeth: That's why I bought it for you.

During the daily lesson…

Jason: Fact of the day, zebras stripes are not always black and white. They can also be black and orange.

*shows picture of tiger*

Leo: That's a giraffe.

In a battle...

Nico: *raises the dead*

Leo: Holy Hephaestus! Should we run?

Will: They're on our side, Leo.

Piper: Plus, zombies eat brains, so you're safe.

While hiding in the bushes in front of the Apollo cabin...

Nico: This seems like none of our business.

Piper: Be supportive, ok? We're doing this for you. Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I'm Nico and I like black, and playing Mythomagic and eating McDonald's. No, no says I."

Percy: That was a really good Nico.

Piper: Thank you.

On the phone…

Tyson: No, you hang up first.

Ella: No, you hang up first.

Tyson: No, you.

Ella: No, you.

Ella: I don't know how to.

Tyson: ...

Tyson: I was hoping you knew how.

While having a serious relationship talk...

Annabeth: What are we?

Percy: We are farmers, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. **(A/N Sorry, this isn't a good joke if you don't live in the US)**

While showing pictures to Calypso…

Leo: This is me reenacting The Titanic on the Argo II. And, oh, that's me getting rescued after I fell in.

When doing something they probably shouldn't…

Jason: Quick, quick, tell me something to say that will freak her out.

Percy: Tell her I'm pregnant.

 **THE END. Ayy, did you notice the FRIENDS jokes?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Ch. 11**

 **Is it the End?**

 **Nope because I still have lots of Nico and Will jokes.**

During an argument…

Nico: My sexuality doesn't define me.

Leo: Hey, how are you?

Nico: Gay.

After Nico locked himself in his cabin…

Jason: *banging on the door* Open up, Nico!

Nico: It all started when I was ten…

Jason: No, I meant-

Percy: Shh, let him finish.

Chiron and his journey with the gays…

Chiron: I'm glad Nico has decided to stay at camp and is making friends.

Nico and Will: *start dating*

Chiron: Good for them.

Nico and Will: *find loopholes in rules*

Chiron: Wait, no.

Will and Nico: *sneaking off at night because the harpies never bother Nico*

Chiron: This is not how counselors are supposed to behave. Stop it.

Will and Nico: *summon zombies and use "doctor notes" to get their way*

Chiron: You know what? I'm done. I give up.

To the camera...

Nico: People always say I'm gonna hate myself in the morning because I go to bed all late.

Nico: But joke's on you. I'm gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what

On the phone...

Nico: I'd like to make a reservation for two at 6pm.

Employee: Sir, this is McDonald's.

Nico: Oh my bad. I'd like to make a McReservation for two at 6pm.

Employee: Perfect, see you then.

When everyone wakes up with a hangover...

Nico: I wasn't that drunk last night.

Percy: You were flirting with Will.

Nico: So? He's my boyfriend.

Jason: You asked him if he was single.

Percy: And then you cried when he said he wasn't.

When Annabeth walks into a room...

Annabeth: What are you looking for?

Nico: *lifts up couch cushions* My will to live.

Will: *walks in*

Nico: There he is.

Annabeth: … Did you just make a pun?

After Jason walks into the Hades cabin...

Jason: Nico! Why in the world are you naked?

Nico: I don't have any clean clothes!

Jason: *goes over to closet*

Jason: Look, you have shirts, sweaters, hello Will, jeans…

In a grocery store...

Nico: Hold the f*ck up.

Will: Excuse me?

Nico: I said, hold the f*ck up.

Nico: I'm the f*ck up. Hold me.

While sitting on the beach...

Nico: You're beautiful in every way.

Will: What?

Nico: I said yOU'RE TERRIBLE AND PROBABLY GAY.

After a day of being handcuffed together...

Jason: You know, underneath it all, you're actually quite nice.

Nico: Repeat that disgustingly slander again, and you'll be hearing from my lawyers.

During a meeting...

Will: *blows a kiss to Nico*

Nico: *pretends to catch it*

Nico: *throws it out a window*

On a date...

Will: Poetry isn't really my gift, but I wrote something I think you might like:

Percy loves his pillow pet,

Jason loves his brick,

Leo loves his dragon friend,

and Nico loves my d-

Nico: OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

On a road trip...

Jason: I spy with my little eye, something that starts with the letter C.

Nico: Let me guess… Is it corpse?

Jason: It was cloud. There aren't even any corpses around here.

Nico: Give it time.

After Percy runs away crying...

Hazel: Did you and Percy have a fight?

Nico: Percy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable.

To the camera...

Nico: Four hours is the longest amount of time I've ever been alone with someone. Worst experience of my life.

*zooms out to show Percy*

Percy: What about the time we went to the Underworld together? That was about four hours.

Nico: *doesn't even blink*

When Nico is in a hurry to go to his favorite fast food restaurant...

Nico: *falls downstairs*

Will: *catches him*

Will:

Will:

Will: I think you just fell for me.

Nico: Put me down.

After a quest...

Chiron: *pats Nico and Will on the back* Good job, gays.

Nico: Did you mean gu-

Chiron: Did I stutter?

Before our favorite couple came to be...

Jason: You need to tell Will you like him.

Nico: Blocked and reported.

Jason: This is a verbal conversation.

When Nico goes to Percy's house...

Nico: Your mom seems so nice.

Percy: She killed a man once.

Nico: Even better.

When Percy and Nico resume their argument...

Nico: 1 universe, 9 planets, 7 continents, 809 islands, 204 countries, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you.

Percy: THERE'S EIGHT PLANETS.

Nico: VIVA LA PLUTO, F*CK YOU.

On Valentine's Day…

Aphrodite kid: Love is in the air!

Nico: I must be breathing a different air.

At a party…

Apollo: *walks in*

Nico: *sees Apollo*

Nick: *desperately turns the other way and tries to hide*

Apollo: *glances at Nico*

Apollo: tHERE YOU ARE MY FAVORITE SON IN LAW.

Nico: Oh gods, not again.

 **THE END. Anybody else miss One Direction? Like I really love some of the songs they've made as solo artists, but I need them all together again...**


	12. Chapter 12

**Some of you went crazy in the reviews, so…**

 **DDaughterofAthena** , I'm glad you liked it! I also love the stereotypes thing in your profile thing. It's really great.

 **AAwesomesuce** , hahaha thanks for spamming me lol.

 **IcyFox17** , I think this update answers your question. Sorry I didn't clarify in the last chapter. I hope the suspense wasn't too much for you. Also I'd like to thank you for all your reviews. They really meant a lot to me and the fetus thing is hilarious.

 **Demigod-Wizard-Gatekeeper** , thanks for all your reviews! They really helped me get back to doing this and finishing it up. I also made sure to put in more Magnus jokes, but I kind of failed with the Kane Chronicles… oops.

 **a-halfblood-with-attitude** , hah you're right. And thank you for reviewing so much! You've been there since the very beginning, so thanks for sticking around!

 **Ok, I hope you guys like it!**

 **Ch. 12**

 **The End of a Story That Didn't Even Have a Plot**

On Leo's first day as a pilot…

Leo, over intercom: We're all gonna die.

Passengers: *start freaking out*

Leo: All of us will one day. No one knows when.

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Leo: But it will probably be when we hit this mountain.

At Hazel and Frank's house…

Nico: Hazel, can you help me with something?

Hazel: Yeah, of course. Just let me…

*unties apron*

Hazel: Frank!

Frank: Yes?

Hazel: I need to check something with Nico. Can you take care of the kid?

Frank: Yeah, no problem.

Nico: Wait, you guys had a kid?

Hazel: No. Percy's staying over.

When meeting camp half-blood...

Magnus: Hey guys, my name is Magnus, rhymes with swagness.

Annabeth: I thought we agreed you shouldn't-

Leo: You are now my new best friend.

Annabeth: Wai-

Percy: *holds finger up to Annabeth's lips* Shhh. Just let it happen.

Leo and Magnus: *prance away devising pranks and horrors to inflict upon innocent people*

At 2 in the morning...

Leo: Guys, I think this house is haunted. I even saw a ghost.

Jason: That's just Nico. He's really pale.

Nico: We've been over this before.

Leo: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT.

While on a quest...

Piper: What do you think Percy will do for a distraction?

Annabeth: He'll probably like, make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

*building explodes and several car alarms sound.

Annabeth: ...

Annabeth: Or he could do that.

When Magnus is feeling low...

Samirah: Magnus, you have a lot to offer. You're funny, you're smart.

Blitzen: You're creative. You've got style.

Alex: ...

Alex: Oh, did you want me to say something? Uh, you have blond hair. Your name is Magnus.

Magnus: Thanks, Alex.

While in front of a Baskin Robbins...

Grover: This is a bad idea.

Percy: Yeah, I couldn't agree more, but what other choice do we have?

Grover: We could choose life.

After a battle...

Leo: Nico, you're losing a lot of blood. It looks like you're going to need a blood transfusion. What's your blood type?

Nico: B positive.

Leo: I'm trying to, but you're losing a lot of blood, Nico.

After Annabeth wakes up...

Percy: Honey, it's really muggy out today.

Annabeth: If I go outside and all our mugs are in the front lawn, I'm leaving you.

Percy: *sips coffee from bowl*

On a beach trip...

Leo: HELP, I'M DROWNING.

Percy: Calm down, you're in like 6 feet of water.

Leo: NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE TALL.

After several explosions...

Chiron: I hope you have a good explanation for this.

Annabeth: We have three.

Percy: Pick your favorite.

While trying to be discreet...

Loki: Damn, we've been discovered.

Magnus: I guess you weren't very…

Loki: Don't you f*cking dare.

Magnus: Low key.

Loki: I hate you.

On a road trip…

GPS: Go straight.

Nico: I'm sorry, but-

Leo: WE GET IT. We get that you're not straight at all. You can't go straight. You're so gay. PLEASE, just drive the car.

During their fourth heart-to-heart in the hour…

Percy:That's one of my biggest fears.

Jason: What is?

Percy: If I ever like, woke up as a donut-

Jason: You would eat yourself.

Percy: I wouldn't even question it.

During some festive time of the year…

Magnus: Happy holidays Alex! I'm your present this year!

Alex: …

Alex: Do you have a receipt? I'd like a refund.

Before Percabeth…

Percy: So I uh, heard you like bad boys.

Percy: Well, you'll be surprised to hear that I, myself, am bad.

Percy: At everything.

Percy: *winks with both eyes*

While Percy's laying on the ground unconscious...

Jason: Percy! Talk to me!

Percy: …

Percy: We're f*cked.

At an Olympic meeting...

Hermes: You know, if Zeus doesn't show up in 15 minutes, legally, we own Olympus.

While trying to flirt…

Octavian: Our relationship is like a Sharpie. It's perm-

Rachel: It washes away with alcohol.

When Annabeth comes home from work...

Percy: I am 41 Cheetos tall.

Annabeth: Why did you think you had to measure yourself in Cheetos?

Percy: We had no Doritos.

After Jason is convinced he has a disease...

Nico: I don't know, Jason. You're looking a little updog…

Jason: What's updog?

Nico; Hazel, Percy! GET IN HERE AND BRING YOUR MONEY. I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT.

After Leo has a child…

Leo: *holding newborn son* He's beautiful.

Doctor: We're going to have to give him some shots.

Leo: Oh, hell yeah. Pour up, it's his f*cking birthday.

One morning…

Nico: Wow! I woke up pretty early for once. I have so much extra time to d-

Nico: *goes back to sleep*

While on his new diet...

Percy: So I'm going to grab a healthy breakfast.

Annabeth: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll up?

Percy: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.

Annabeth: I pity your dentist.

Percy: Joke's on you, I don't have one.

After school...

Jason: That test was hard.

Annabeth: What did you get for number 5?

Jason: Pacific.

Annabeth: Me too!

Percy: *grabs shovel* Not me.

Jason: Number 8 was Kansas, right?

Annabeth: Yeah!

Percy: *starts digging hole*

Annabeth: And 10 was-

Jason: South America!

Annabeth: How did you do?

Percy: *lays down in hole* Bury me.

In a Costco parking lot…

Leo: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BEES TO MY CAR

I SPILLED

ALL OVER MY CAR

BEES ARE

INSIDE OF MY CAR

THEY COULD KILL ME

I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES.

 **Okay, this is the last one…**

Percy writing in his diary alone while stuck on an island…

Day 1: Alone. Doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab.

Day 2: I have married the crab.

Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Meanwhile the gang driving home from the beach…

Piper: Annabeth, can we stop at a gas station? It's been 3 hours and I really need to pee!

Annabeth: Sure, just wake up the rest to see if they need to go too.

Piper: Wait, where's Percy?

Annabeth: *slams on brakes*

Annabeth: OH MY GODS, WE LEFT PERCY AT THE BEACH!

 **THE END. Well thanks for reading my stuff, and especially thanks to every single one of you who reviewed. I'll miss ya!**


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